OK – now I’m fed up. I’ve been getting emails from presidential campaigns for months now, which is on purpose. It’s good to keep tabs on candidates as they’re on the campaign trail, because I don’t always catch the news, and an email that brings up something I haven’t heard about helps me keep up to date. But now I’m officially getting sick – of how eerily personal they’re getting. By far, the Hillary Clinton emails are the funniest!
“Let’s do Lunch”
First of all, I would very much like to sit and have lunch with Hillary Clinton. But after I click on the email I’m let down – she doesn’t really want to have lunch with me – it’s a virtual lunch, a “symbolic goal.” (anyone remember Bush’s promise to curb CO2 in 2000, that was retroactively converted into this new meaningless term in 2001?) Yeah, Hillary, that’s what I’ve been doing all these years, imagining having lunch with you – when will you stop teasing me?!
Then Bill Clinton sends me an email about the lunch I had with Hillary (Hey, was he spying on us?), and I’m like whoa, it wasn’t like that Bill.
Last night was a mistake, Hillary. We come from two different worlds. You’re running for president, I’m studying what makes plants grow. You’re 34 years older than I. It just won’t work.
“From the Bottom of my Heart”
You and I surprised a lot of people tonight!
In the days after Iowa, I turned to you and asked you to stand with me. When I needed you most, you came through with flying colors.
But what happens when your husband finds out what’s really going on? What happens when Fox News gets wind of this? It could destroy us!
“What happened last night”
…we’ve already been through so much together. In the days ahead, you and I have to keep speaking from the heart. (Emphasis hers)
It’s over, Hillary. We had our fun. And besides, you stood me up last night to go claim victory in New Hampshire. It’s best that we go our separate ways now, but if your address ever becomes 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue again, I’ll be sure to send you congratulations. It’s a crazy mixed up world, all right.
…I wonder what she’ll try next. But hey, at least the emails catch my eye – Obama’a campaign sounds so boring in my inbox. At least Clinton makes politics sound like a secret affair! Hang on, I registered for the campaign with my other email address. That’s funny…