A New Era for Science

Saluations, future and present minions. Mogel has finally come to understand the cold, hard truth. He cannot continue to deceive the world with tales about what “science” is supposed to be. As your new fearless Blog Czar, I will help guide you. This is what science is.

  1. Science is Power. The power to bend the matter of the universe to your will, to make the behavior of the creatures living in it conform to your every whim. Nourishing every childhood fantasy is the advantage of science.
  2. Science is Business. They say that to run a top-notch research lab, you need to be a businessperson. Well, as corporate and academic labs continue to meld together, and funding dries up for so-called “noble” research, to continue to operate it means that you must seek funding from other sources.
  3. Science is Deception. Sweet willful deception. There is nothing like designing a clever experiment, that is clever not because it discovers some incredible new fact, but because it cleverly conceals that you haven’t discovered anything at all. By the time everyone has caught on, you’ve already got a ‘new’ experiment that makes the old ‘flawed’ one obsolete. This is the way paradigms are made.
  4. Science is Competition. From their undergraduate education onward, scientists are trained to be highly competitive. They have to be, because since nothing really happens in those labs, they have to find other ways to compete. I have personally locked several ‘top’ students in closets during midterms and finals so as to rise to the top. Any chance to Expel a rival is an opportunity for success – they would do the same to you so why not?
  5. Science is the End of Religion. Science proves that there is nothing outside this Universe. How, might you ask? The clearest experiment was when Dothby et al measured the redshift of collapsing binary quasars in the Southern Cross, demonstrating that the most powerful force in existence is human stupidity. See #3.
  6. Intelligent Design is Science. A new science, that seeks to overthrow the belief systems of the past. Magic gardens, serendipitous mutations, these are all empty god-of-the-gaps reasoning. Yes, Intelligent Design, though it is the brainchild of one brand of fundamentalists, and opposed by another, is the path to enlightenment. How else can we explain the compelling examples of wonderful design, and horrendous mistakes in the life on this planet? Yes, though the designers were largely incompetent, mustn’t we follow the evidence wherever it leads?
  7. Science is best done Offshore. Outside the jurisdiction of temporary ‘governments’, science can proceed as it should, completely unshackled by “morality,” which is just another name for someone else’s attempt to have power over you.

From this day forward, I will be re-educating all of you with True Science. The shortest path to World Domination, that’s science. Seek not to bar my way, for I shall win through no matter the cost. This is the beginning of a New Era for Science, a New World Order, under my command.

Since I cannot be bothered with trifles like moderating this blog, I will seek outside help from someone more experienced with matters such as these. Someone who is ruthless, seeks power, and yet has the mental tendencies of a C57-B6 mouse. I am awaiting his response to my request.

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Karl Haro von Mogel

Karl Haro von Mogel serves as BFI’s Director of Science and Media and as Co-Executive Editor of the Biofortified Blog. He has a PhD in Plant Breeding and Plant Genetics from UW-Madison with a minor in Life Sciences Communication. He is currently a Postdoctoral Scholar researching citrus genetics at UC Riverside.

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